I always found it a bit odd. Hilarious, but it raised too many questions. When did Steve make these? Why did Steve make these? How did he manage to be so cheesy and overly sincere knowing how much crap he would get from the other Avengers for it?
Well, today my sister told me her headcanon. Picture the scene. Steve leans on the back of a chair, as above. Peter immediately launches into ‘So, you got detention…’. Cap blinks. Peter awkwardly tries to explain. It turns out Cap has no idea what videos he means, and neither do any of the other Avengers.
So they get in touch with the company who made them, and they swear blind that it was really the real Captain America, and that it all his idea. That he came in and said how much he wanted to help the youth of today.And the Avengers all lose it because someone is running around doing an unbelievably good impression of Captain America, they could have destroyed his reputation, they could have infiltrated the Avengers; and instead all they are apparently using it for is to make silly, embarrassing videos.
It’s completely baffling. Who could possibly be behind it all?
A mystery.
EDIT: this is getting so many notes ahaha my sister who came up with this is not on Tumblr but you can find her as Radar_girl on Ao3!
my headcanon for nick fury not calling captain marvel in right away is that they had a bet back in the 90s on how long nick will survive without her help. they bet on 30 years, and nick almost caved when battle of new york happened but that suicidal motherfucker yeeted the nuke into spaceso it was all good, no need for carol yet when he has the avengers, but then the avengers broke apart and nick silently prayed that theyd reunite to kick thanos’ ass but they failed and that is why he said “motherfucker” in disappointment at the end of infinity war, cause only 2 damn years left and he’d win the fuckin bet of the century but the Avengers had to go and Be The Worst At Everything and make him lose the stupid bet God dammit
i like how this implies that Nick Fury was more pissed off upon losing the bet than he was at fucking dying
you are a fool if you think nick fury doesnt have absolute control over his own life and death
Nick Fury was so pissed at losing the bet that he dusted himself
Asgardian men wear full body armour, and will not be seen without a full body armour or a fully covering clothing set when they’re in public or receiving guests at home.
With the manner in which Asgardian men insist on covering their bodies (except maybe arms), one could say that Asgardian men never show their ankles as well. Like Victorian era ladies. It’s scandalous for an honourable Asgardian man to be seen in public in less than 4 layers of clothing, or with his legs or feet showing. Arm exposure is kind of allowed but frowned upon. It’s wholly not allowed in times of official ceremonies or celebrations.
They may only show their hands. So that any interested party may asses how capable they are before approaching them.
Well-groomed hands = good boi.
Asgardian women, on the other hand, can expose skin, no issue.
But men? *LE GASP*
Notice how Thor usually covers his arms when in Asgard. But on Midgard he exposes them fully. Like a ho.
Loki always covers up, like a man of high breeding. He even wears gloves sometimes.
On Midgard (say post Avengers AU? I like everyone alive tyvm), Loki is horrified to see that men expose their bodies so much. He almost goes into shock.
Thor takes him out to shop, as he’s now touted as the expert in all things Midgardian. Loki criticises all these shops Thor frequents for the scraps that he calls clothes. No wonder he looks like homeless man in his Midgardian garb.
SUCH TRAVESTY!
Loki asks them (shops) about bespoke tailoring and they refuse. THEY REFUSE? HOW DARE!
Loki is not happy. He curses these shops and their ancestors to Helheim and comes home without a single item bought. They had things in his size, but not in his taste. An enormous mistake.
All through the way back home Thor can be heard uttering long-suffering sighs, as if he’s holier than Loki.
No, Thor is one of those utterly shameless people who love to show off their bodies. He kept the tendency to show off at bare minimum in Asgard, owing to the social norms, but on Midgard, he has completely lost himself to this blatant mockery of their culture. What a ho ho ho.
Loki never forgets to slut shame Thor when he so unashamedly exposes his feet in the Avengers tower or when he’s receiving guests, wearing that godforsaken footwear called flip-flops!
BY THE NORNS!
Thor tries to defend himself. Tries…
Thor: I’m on Midgard! I can wear what I want! Show more skin, be more comfortable, sweet Valhalla!
Loki: You no good hussy! I’m telling mother!
Thor: I’m not even showing my whole feet!
Loki: No one will agree to court you in Asgard! They’d have to get you a bride from Muspelheim maybe.
Thor: As if you received any visitations from anyone! Your dance card was nearly empty last time we had a celebration!
Loki: It was out of choice! I was spying on a group of diplomats!
Thor: How come I didn’t know?
Loki: Because you’re not good at subterfuge, you oaf!
Thor: You’re just covering up for bad performance at receiving courtship!
Loki: Even if I am, you’re still a hussy! Showing off your feet and arms as if it’s not a bother to other.
Thor: It is NOT!
Loki: My eyes burn from the sight of your ungainly limbs! What is next? Uncovering your chest? Thighs? The whole sickening body of yours!
Thor: Meanwhile you keep sweating under all that armour or ten layers of leather.
Loki: I DON’T SWEAT!
[AN INTENSE SCUFFLE HAPPENS, WHERE NEARLY ALL THE FURNITURE OF THE COMMON ROOM IS DESTROYED, WHILE THE OTHER AVENGERS JUST WATCH, DUMBFOUNDED]
[NOT TONY STARK, THOUGH, HE’S SITTING IN A CORNER, NURSING A DRINK AND CURSING HIMSELF FOR ALLOWING THESE WEIRDOS IN THE TOWER]
(This is what comes out of my brain when I have to work on academic papers and can’t work on my fanfictions. Hence, I’m going to make everyone suffer with me by posting this nonsense. Some of you have already seen a rough version of this. Poor Souls.)
So, for some reason, people always kinda seem to write the Jötnar as having the same diet as those of Asgard, despite the fact that Asgard is a vibrant, lush land with farms, and Jötunheimr is… You know. Frozen.
So, let’s talk about what the Jötnar are gonna eat.
So, building on my already established idea that the Jötnar don’t put on too much fat, and instead have extra muscle, they’re gonna need some damned protein to sustain it. Because we’re dealing with such a cold climate, we’re probably going to be looking at animals who’ll withstand the cold, but what you won’t see much of is any bigger, greener flowering plants or the like.
So,
Jötunheimr, in my view, has huge, wide, choppy seas. Big, massive waves, very salty, choppy water, and pretty much all the Jötnar are natural swimmers because, uh, they gotta be.
Being as the Jötnar are physically fit and muscular, as well as likely seafaring to at least some extent, we can expect them to eat:
various fish, as well as squid, crustaceans and molluscs
fish eggs
sea birds and their eggs
sea-faring mammals like whales, seals and walruses
sea weeds + plants
And because we’ve already seen some massive beasts that wander around
Jötunheimr, I’d also expect them to hunt that sort of thing. The Inuits eat polar bears as well as animals like caribou, and I definitely don’t think the Jötnar would shy away from hunting and butchering a predator as much as a prey animal.
All of this meat is gonna be super heavy in protein, oils and nutrients that the
Jötnar are gonna fucking need.
I feel like their diet is meat-heavy and meat-centred, but then they’re also gonna have what plant matter is possible to get hold of – I mentioned sea weed and other sea-centred plants, but I would also imagine they eat various edible mosses and fungi that survive the sub zero temperature in the relative warmth of the caves beneath Jötunheimr, and then there’s also stuff like tubers and hardy grasses that they probably eat a fair amount of too.
You know what they’re probably not used to?
Milk. They almost definitely do not eat milk, or cheese, or anything of the kind, except extremely rarely, and I imagine that while the
Jötnar aren’t entirely lactose intolerant, they probably can’t stand to have more than a little bit of milk at a time once they’re no longer babes in arms, and definitely not processed into butter, cheese or any other dairy product.
Then, sweets. Notice how, uh, everything I’ve mentioned so far does not taste sweet. In fact, a lot of it is going to be heavily salty (much of the fatty meat and fish) or bitter (the weeds and tubers). I don’t think the Jötnar eat sweets, and in fact, I imagine they either have no capacity to taste it, or have a very small capacity for sweetness, and are swiftly overwhelmed by pretty much any sweet taste in their mouth. Even a little bit of honey or sugar would just make them gag.
Also, as a result of the stuff they eat – really heavy on meat which probably doesn’t come around that often, and subsequently is probably saved over time, as well as on very tough plants and tubers, I’m actually super attached to the idea of the Jötnar having mildly acidic saliva?
Firstly, it’d break down the plants and tubers easier, making them much, much easier to chew, but it also means they’d be able to withstand meat that had slightly rotted without any issues at all, as it’d just burn right through the acrid nastiness of it, and subsequently rotted stuff which is already a bit acidic would probably be considered a huge delicacy.
Also, I think the Jötnar do have alcohol, but now that you’ve listened to my acid delicacy theory… Yep, you guessed it! I feel like it’d be kind of similar to poitín, which we make here in Ireland out of potatoes (yeah, I know), but instead out of frozen roots and tubers. So it’d be like, very bitter and very acidic, and probably straight-up poisonous to most Asgardians.
Steve Rogers uses voice to text to send texts and formats them like a telegram
HEY BUCK STOP SAM AND I ARE OUT SHOPPING STOP WANT US TO PICK UP SOME TAKEOUT STOP
Steve rogers fully understands that this is not the correct way to text. He just likes the absolute outrage it causes every time someone receives a text from him and wants to see how many times he can make the same people explain texting to him until they realize. Sam is currently at 14 times, beating out tony who’s at nine. Twice now shuri has facetimed him after reading bucky’s texts. He’s also managed to convince thor that this is the Earth Way to text and it’s great
Concept: Some jackass shows Bucky how to make a blog and it becomes really popular. Not because it’s the blog of James Buchanan Barnes, American Legend, War Hero, Infamous Assassin, Alleged Terrorist. Nobody even knows it’s his blog. It gets really popular because people think it’s a really great shitpost generator or something. Because Bucky is just a Weird Fucking Person and everything he posts on his fucking personal blog comes off as somewhere between dril and Jaden Smith and people are like “this is some quality garbage right here” and thus Accidental Memelord Bucky is born.
Bucky posts things like
“What is wrong with bananas. I ate a banana today and it was Wrong. America why”
“Every time I put on my eye makeup it gets bigger. My whole face is eyeliner now.”
“Why does friendship feel so much like punching”
“When I wake up in the middle of the night I am either thinking ‘who am I? does my life have meaning?’ or “did I already eat all of the plums?’”
“Why are you so grumpy” they ask me. they do not realize this is just my Face.”
“I know i said i would give my left arm for a cup of coffee but i am more awake now and i would like my arm back please”
“I guess I must have done something horrible in a past life. I mean. I definitely did something horrible in this life, so. “
OMG I LOVEEEE
YEEESSSSSSS!
“Guy in front of me won’t move his car seat up. I think that might still be upset about all those times I tried to kill him.”
“Got lectured by a guy who had been complaining about how things were Back In The Day. I don’t understand why he got upset. I too lived through the Great Depression and was drafted for the War.”
“The economy in this century sucks. Who exactly though another Stock Market crash was a good idea?”
“Apparently, it was Rude™ of me to pitch in my two cents on a conversation I happened to overhear, despite agreeing with them. On an unrelated note, I am no longer allowed in the ceiling vents.”
“‘If you don’t behave we’ll send (mutual) after you.’ Jokes on them. I’m the one who trained them to be an assassin in the first place.”
“Tried to buy a Chicken Dinner candy bar at the supermarket today. Turns out they were discontinued 54 years ago. Super bummed.”
“Wait. People were on the moon?! We got into space? There is a way off of this rock?! Why am I only just hearing about this?!”
“’Have you been living under a rock the past 50 years?’ No I was cryogenically frozen for 70. I don’t appreciate your tone young man.”
“My friend likes convincing people that I’m the Reckless one in our friendship. As if he won’t find an alley behind a bar to pick a fight in if I take my eyes off him for two seconds.”
“Why would i want to get a haircut when instead I can look like i just returned from a 12 year jaunt in the wilderness every time i grow a beard”
“was having a hard time finding noodles in the grocery store & asked a clerk for help. she looked at me like a crazy person. lady, it’s not my fault you don’t speak russian”
“what kind of idiot thinks dancers are sissies? literally every ballerina i have ever met could kill an adult man with just her legs”
“today i discovered Conditioner. the future is a miracle and my hair like a cloud now”
“apparently just jumping on to a moving bus when you are running late is not a thing people do anymore. please stop yelling at me.”
“went to a club last night to see what the hip kids were into. apparently the latest thing is just having sex standing up with your clothes on in a room full of people.”
“on the one hand, people dressed much nicer in the 40s. on the other hand, yoga pants.”
“rode in a car with heated seats today. it is my house now. i live here.”
“i have acquired a small bear. i am putting a collar and leash on him. he is my dog. no one tell animal control”
“i am working on this whole Good Guy thing but anyone who cuts me in line at starbucks deserves to have their kneecaps shot out okay”
“why did they have to make escalators so terrifying to get on and off of? from now on I’m just jumping off the mall balconies. none of this awful moving teeth staircase”
“i don’t care if it’s a ‘priceless historical artifact,’ punk, i didn’t wanna do the dishes and it makes a pretty good spaghetti bowl”
“hoodie pockets are so great. i can fit like three sandwiches and a grenade in there and my hands are still warm”
“i really though we would have flying cars by now. the future is such a letdown.”
“changed sam’s ringtone to jesus take the wheel.”
“do you know that feeling when you go to lean on your short friend’s conveniently arm-rest-height shoulder but you forget they had a huge growth spurt and you just awkwardly lean your elbow into the middle of their bicep”
“i swear i didn’t know your girlfriend was coming over. i always ominously clean my assault weapons on the coffee table like that. it had nothing to do with you.”
“On the other hand, yoga pants” I hear that, buddy.
“tv dinners are amazing, like ‘here’s this fucking tray with a shitty-ass meal of army-grade beef and potatoes that we froze into an ice cube. go stick it in your magic radiation box and eat it in front of the other magic radiation box that shows you cartoons whenever you want.’“
“the only reason why tv and radio weren’t used for porn from the start was because everyone would have been embarrassed to have their kids in the same room.”
“this jonny depp motherfucker’s on thin ice with me, disrespecting the legacy of tonto like that. come here and catch my titanium fist in your face, you birdhat wearing sonovabitch.”
“heard that bruce lee used to wire up his abs to electrodes to work them out for six hours a day, and i’m like, just six? just your abs? get on my level.”
“it used to be that making your handwriting look nice was just a thing people did, and knowing how to type was a specialized skill how things change.”
“did you know that a screaming orgasm is another word for a type of alcoholic beverage? i didn’t. i think my reaction to overhearing someone order twelve last night at the bar was reasonable, but the bouncer disagreed. sorry, steve.”
Everyone in Infinity Wars gonna be complaining about how hard these last few years have been for them until Thor rolls up with no hair, no hammer, and one eye.
Don’t forget “my planet had to be destroyed to keep my sister from killing like the whole universe so now me and all my people are refugees. But hey, Loki’s back, that’s good news!”
Peter(raises his hand in the back): “…My homecoming date‘s dad turned out to be my arch nemesis and a building fell on me!“
Thor (smiles and gives a thumbs-up): “Good for you! (aside, to Tony)…Who is that person? Do we know him or did he just show up?”
T’Challa: My dad died, too.
Thor: I apologize for your loss, I know how it feels
Thor: (To Steve) Who is that handsome man dressed like a kitten?
Starlord: My dad turned out to be this giant, planet eating god and tried to kill me so I had to kill him.
Thor: These things happen sometimes.
Thor: (to Banner) Are we just picking up strangers with sad family stories or…?
This is now canon, you can all go home, there’s no need to see infinity war
sometimes life is like that
Somebody did beautiful fanart???? Of a post I contributed to?????? This is amazing????????
This is so fucking awesome xD
This is the plot of IW. Everything else can go back to the script.
Quick art of Loki because I wanna see his scar post-Dark World.
(Given the scene was played as an actual death scene when shot, and acted accordingly, I can’t let go of the headcanon that Loki was stabbed for real on Svartalfar and still has the scar from a wound he shouldn’t have survived, but somehow did.)
Tasertrickslove 